Vulnerability: Leaning On Jesus

One of the greatest lessons I ever learned came from sitting in the 3rd row of chairs at Snohomish Community Church. It was a Sunday morning at the 10:30 service, and I was in middle school. Normally, as we entered the service, I would lead my family down the side aisles and pick out a seat close enough to see the words on the screen but far enough for safety. Safety from what you might ask? Honestly, people being able to see me. Their opinions of if I was singing loud enough, if I was on key and if the spirit was moving enough throughout my body… aka hand raising and swaying. I would spend the whole worship service focused on the people around me and what they thought of me. It was the most anxious and stressed filled 30 minutes of every week and I couldn’t wait for our pastor to get up and ask us all to sit.

I remember on this specific Sunday; we met my grandparents out in the lobby before going to church. I loved my grandpa, he was and still is to this day, my hero. I always loved his energy, joy and passion for life. He was always so relational, and you could feel a divine presence in his soul. Jesus lived in him, through him and it showed. Well on this specific Sunday, we were going to all sit together for church. So we arrived early that Sunday to make sure we could all sit together, the 2nd service was known for being completely packed. So, I led my family to the usual spot on one of the side isles and I looked back to realize no one had followed me. I quickly scanned the seats and came to realize that my grandpa had joyfully led the group to the 3rd row of seats, front and center to the stage. The only people in front of us were the pastor and his family and then some of the elders. My heart stopped. Heck no. Sorry grandpa, I love you, but no. I wasn’t going to be entering the lion’s den of the 3rd row. It was the spotlight. However, after a few minutes, I decided to join my family and my grandpa right up at the front of this massive church.

Little did I know that my struggle and lesson was just in the beginning stages. My grandpa loved being at church and so I remember he had a big smile on his face as he called me to sit next to him. It helped my comfort level a bit because my grandpa was pretty tall and skinny, and I was short & chubby middle schooler, so I remember thinking that the attention wouldn’t be on me. The funny things that go through your head as a middle schooler! As the service began, we were asked to greet our neighbors for a minute and a half. I did my usual, turned to the people around me and said good morning while practicing a firm handshake. I was not surprised to see my grandpa leave the row we were sitting to make the rounds to everyone who would look at him. I remember thinking “Grandpa, they said a minute and a half, not ten minutes”. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, he returned to his seat next to me and worship started. The band was easing into the first song, the lights dimmed a bit and that was the sign that the worship service was beginning.

The first song was a traditional hymn, “Leaning On The Everlasting Arms”. I suggest you check it out on YouTube or Spotify, the Alan Jackson version is the closest example I have been able to find. I was extremely unaware to the fact that my grandpa absolutely loved this song. He really connected with it and his face lit up when our very modern worship church band was going to sing a traditional tune. The buildup to the song was beautiful, the piano was elegant, and the guitar was super smooth. My grandpa started belting the words to this all-familiar & favorite song and I died inside. My grandpa had been in the army, he was part of an artillery rounds unit that had caused his hearing to go bad. So, when he was singing, he was SINGING. Like no need for a microphone, his voice was enough. I melted; I was so embarrassed. I knew for a fact that everyone was looking, and I was miserable. To make matters worse, he was tone deaf. Not only was he singing the loudest of 400 people, but he was also the furthest off key that you could be. It was borderline impressive. I remember looking up at him and I am sure I looked like a deer in headlights. Here I was, trying to keep a low profile and my grandpa took it upon himself to be a tone-deaf opera singer and ruin everything. Halfway through the song he leaned down to me and said that the band was missing lyrics and that he wanted to sing the original ones he knew. So while the band was singing “Leaning… Leaning… Leaning…”, my grandpas was singing “Leaning on Jesus… Leaning on Jesus… Leaning On Jesus…”. It was the most absurd yet important moment of my life.

I have reflected about this moment for a long time, especially after my grandpa passed from stage 4 cancer a few years later. I could share story after story about him, he was my hero. I have often admired my grandpa in this story and absolutely despised my own actions. I cared more about what the people around me thought, instead of focusing on what truly mattered. Singing to my savior in unison with my hero. I have spent so much of my life caring what others around me thought, and that way of life is so crippling. It takes you out of moments, and for what? Any good reason? No. It is a tactic used by the enemy to instill fear and insecurity. Which causes us to shut down, My grandpa had already learned this lesson, he didn’t care what others thought. He was in the 3rd row for one reason, Jesus. And if anyone had a reason to be insecure, it was him. I would love to be able to say that I only had to learn this lesson once, but it has been an ongoing struggle for me as I have gotten older. Through high school and college as an athlete and even now when I get up in front of people to speak for our non-profit. It chases me daily. It is something I see in countless young people today as well. It is also something I see prevalent in our culture as we leave 2020 and continue into 2021. People have learned to care more about what others think and less about what their own standards and experiences mean. It is no way to live, it is crippling and will own you. We must be confident, not arrogant, in the people we are. We must not allow our fear, anxiety, doubt and insecurities to lead us to the outsides of the worship hall. I am not saying that we should live care-free and be obnoxious to those around us, We need to be confident and sing like a tone-deaf war veteran who knows that the only person we need to impress is Jesus. And the best part is that Jesus made us each uniquely and He knows us better than anyone. We HAVE to be true to ourselves and stand firm in what we are certain of. Nobodies opinion on this Earth matters, be true, be you.

1 Corinthians 15:58 ‘Stand firm, let nothing move you. Give everything in your service to the Lord, for you know your labor is not in vain’.

Kieren Raney

Local Director